This is not a happy post, so *TRIGGER ALERT*…
Various things are on my mind tonight, and hope that they will merge into something coherent. When we are in an abusive relationship, involved with someone with psychopathic tendencies, if not an outright psychopath (“pick your favorite label.” as I say), we really don’t know how far they will go. The ones who have suffered the worst — the loss of their lives — they can’t come back to tell us what the red flags were. This is why it is a very serious topic, and important to get some idea of what we are dealing with.
Random news story…
A post-mortem examination on a man found dead at his home in West Sussex on Christmas Day found he died from hanging, police have said.
The body of Jan Tshabalala, 33, was found at the house in Groomsland Drive, Billingshurst, at about 09:00 GMT.
The cause of death of his wife, Julia, 30, whose body was also found at the property, is still being investigated.
I do not know the outcome of this investigation, or whether psychopathy was involved, but it does show the tragic consequences that can happen when relationships go wrong.
It might be surprising to some of you to see who the victim is at the end of this video, but unfortunately, too many out there will find it familiar.
The above link includes a short video clip (under 1 minute), and yeah, the victim was male. So yes, domestic violence happens to cisgendered women, cisgendered men, gay people, and transgendered women and men. There is never an excuse for violence, ever. Period, full stop.
Again, my own segue:
These are the words of my wife, in her own words, admitting that she hit me. Did her “resentment” justify hitting me? I don’t think so. Would you believe her promises not to do it again? I didn’t, and anyone involved with her shouldn’t believe her either. And as she herself readily admits, I never raised a hand to her…
Due to incriminating testimony given by the defendant’s wife of 25 years, Pam Wyngarden, Ryan Wyngarden was convicted on March 28, 2014 of killing his sister and her husband in 1987. This 27- year old cold case divided families and provoked heated courtroom outbursts during the 12-day trial in Ottawa County Circuit Court in Grand Haven, MI. Wyngarden, 51, of Zeeland, was charged with two counts of first-degree premeditated murder for the deaths of his sister Gail and her husband, Rick Brink, on Nov. 21, 1987. After sentencing at 11:30 a.m. April 21, he will spend the rest of his life in prison. The prosecution, led by Prosecutor Attorney Lee Fisher, said Wyngarden killed the couple because he was jealous of the newlyweds and their success and didn’t want his sister to tell Rick, 28, about Wyngarden’s sexual molestation of Gail, 22, when they were younger. [Emphasis mine.]
One can deduce that incest perpetrated against a younger sibling in childhood is a predictor that that the outcome will not be favorable. Note that this is a 27-year old cold-case, but the truth finally saw the light of day in 2014. Serious matters, serious topic…
So who was Gary Ridgeway, and who was Judith Mawson (pictured at top)?
But it turned out that Judith Mawson’s husband was far from perfect as, after 13 years of marriage, she discovered he was the Green River Serial Killer with the blood of up to 70 women on his hands.
When Judith, 67, met Gary Ridgway at a bar in Seattle in 1985, she recalled he seemed like the perfect suitor – he was handsome, polite, had a good job, and treated her like a lady.
She told People Magazine that she believed him when he told her his carpet was destroyed by kids and removed and that his ex-girlfriend had taken her bed back. She trusted him when he said he was late because of a union meeting.
‘I was crying, no it cant be him. Then I found out that he’d had the carpets removed because he’d killed women on them and there were bloodstains.
‘He’d had sex with some of them on the bed and killed them. I look back and think, “Was my life real with him or did he just use me?”.’
When he was first arrested, Judith said she believed her husband when he told her they had the wrong man.
When she visited the former truck painter in jail she said: ‘We were trying to touch each other through the glass. I would cry.’
When he confessed she cut all contact with him and spent the next two years hiding at home in virtual isolation, drowning her sorrows in wine and pain pills.
She told People: ‘I was scared, in hiding, ashamed. I dreamed about him all the time. he kept reaching out to me.’
‘Telling my story, getting all the poison out of me helped me to heal. But how do you forgive someone who is suspected of killing 70 women?’
Judith has not dated since her husband’s arrest, believing she may never trust another man again but spends her time with friends and at her local church.
So what I wanted to get around to is cognitive dissonance. Google it, you’ll find plenty of links. In a nutshell, it’s when you hold in your mind two conflicting realities. It’s part and parcel of a relationship with a psychopath. In the beginning, they love-bomb you, tell you are wonderful, put you on a pedestal, declare that you are “soul mates,” and like Judith Mawson, you believe you’ve found the perfect partner. But sooner or later, you notice the lies, the red flags, that they are late “because of a union meeting.” Their mask falls, and while you may not end up being hit upon like my wife hit me, and you may not find out they are a notorious, prolific serial killer like Gary Ridgeway, you will find out you’ve been cheated on and betrayed.
Now sit back and try to imagine the cognitive dissonance that Judith Mawson must have felt. Seriously, give it a thought. If she had trouble understanding that Ridgeway was as wicked as he was, what about the rest of us? Surely we can be forgiven for our lapses back into cognitive dissonance? “Maybe I was wrong, maybe s/he really was at a union meeting?”
This is exactly why I continue to tell my story. I survived, but Rick and Gail Brink did not. I survived, but the wife in Billingshurst did not. One life saved is worth 10,000,000 blog posts. If your stomach is in knots, and you’re not sure what to believe, get out!!! Honor your gut instincts and your intuition. Do not accept lies and abuse. Love yourself! Take heed, gentle reader. These are not idle ruminations. They make the headlines every day.
No songs this time. I’ll try to have something funny or light-hearted for my next post.
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