It Isn’t Love – It Is Narcissistic Abuse

This is so right-on, I can’t help sharing.  Best quote ever:

A single lie discovered is enough to create doubt in every truth expressed.

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After Narcissistic Abuse

Love doesn’t destroy us. A lack of love Destroys us.

Narcissism is the antithesis of love.


Here are 5 Ways Narcissism prevents Love in relationships:


The foundation of love is truth. A whole person will insist on having an honest connection with themselves. A person who can love has the desire to live with integrity, be true to their identity and values, they know who they are and respect themselves and others. Whole people possess the desire to adhere to their personal ethics.  All these traits stem from a strong connected relationship with yourself (and a higher power).

You cannot have a relationship with someone who is wearing a mask

Narcissists are lacking this relationship with “self” and a higher power. They’re floundering inside, looking for a cure on the outside and flit…

View original post 2,130 more words


About DogDharma

Dog Dharma is written by a human who loves dogs and who believes dogs have attained enlightenment. The human behind Dog Dharma came from humble origins, has faced many trials, enjoyed many adventures, and taken a path less traveled. He claims no special privilege or expertise, and remains humble. Dog Dharma‘s author has learned a few things along the way, and has much yet to learn. He has been told by many people that he has a talent for writing, and aspires to write a book, but is a little too lazy and disorganized, so his blog will suffice for now. He opens a window into his life in the hope that some of his words may be of comfort, some may be a beacon or warning, and perhaps he will connect with like-minded souls. Everything shared comes from a place of openness and honesty, but with no claim that he possesses the Truth. People and places mentioned should be taken as pseudonyms. In many cases, details may be an amalgamation of actual events disguised to protect the “innocent.” Nothing written is to be taken as actual fact, but as the author of Dharma Dog‘s limited understanding. From the mouths of the Beatles: In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make
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5 Responses to It Isn’t Love – It Is Narcissistic Abuse

  1. maggyann says:

    Terry ‘tis I once more, sitting in the corner too shy to cause a ripple with my off the beam opinions… ha only joking. Here it comes and I hope it doesn’t offend…
    I understand, really I do that people can damage other people by their behaviours (character traits, personality types or whatever you want to call it) and I appreciate that the hurt people, (I am / have been a ‘victim’) have to try and find themselves answers or some sort of understanding at least of the ‘relationship’ they are having or have had with a different and ‘damaging’ personality BUT, (there is always a but…) while I don’t want to put down anyone’s feelings about an interaction that has been less than enjoyable, (I’ve had my share believe me) surely the ‘victim’ for want of a better word has to take some responsibility for the whole episode and the resulting mess / hurt / confidence knock etc?
    I followed the link and read the long post which was well thought out and presented to be sure though it was totally from a victim stance without any real acceptance of personal liability, of choices made, of aiding and abetting the ‘user’ (Nariccisist or any other type). Apart from this meaning the ‘victim’ is to some extent continuing the ‘abuse’ by keeping it alive it also indicates in a way that they are not addressing their own character trait, that caused them in this instance, to give out the signal of being a ‘possible source of supply’ so they are clinging onto their own character trait seeing only the other person’s perceived ‘fault’. i.e. they are still prime beef for the next user who happens to come along.
    Character traits can to some extent be altered, by environ, personal choice, (with hard work) etc but at root we are who we are. If we didn’t have all these different types, especially the ones we learn to dislike somewhat we would all be the same, think the same, act the same. We’d all either be doers or non-doers, we’d all be givers or takers and so on.
    It is up to each of us individually to be in control of ourselves and the experiences we go through. (I know; I know I am as guilty as the next person of not being totally in control but I can see the need to be).
    I won’t go through the whole post but pick a few things out if I may? Yes? Okay haha.

    Narcissists lack a relationship with self and a higher power.
    – No true, they have a good relationship with themselves and their higher power. They are following their own drum just because it is not the same beat with the same mores and values of another type does not make them wrong in themselves but wrong for the other types.
    We get to know people by what they consistently do. – Yes exactly so when they are putting you down, draining you and all the rest why stick around?

    Viewing people as objects to use is opportunistic not loving
    – In some ways maybe but in reality we all view other people as ‘objects’ in a way whether as an object to provide us with a job, validation, love, support or anything else. Love is not some heart quivering romantic mist full of bluebirds and tinkling bells it is an opportunistic emotion which seems to offer whatever we are seeking all wrapped up in a person we decide to ‘love’ or they at least appear to be a person we can mould to give us what we need or require. Opportunistic???

    Compromise is impossible; the Narcissist always gets their own way.
    – You have the choice to give in or not, to allow the other person to ‘win’. If you are consistently giving in then you are being true to your path, your(higher)self just as the Narcissist is. Both are being true to the core of their self so who is right and who is wrong?

    Narcissists lie.
    – EVERYBODY lies at some point, often or rarely, badly or convincingly, damagingly or from pure intentions. Narcissists are no different here from anyone else just as the one being lied to is no different. The Narcissist lies, the victim accepts the lie.

    Abuse isn’t love.
    – VERY true. No excuses for an abuser from me. I simply believe that we are all as guilty as the abuser of abuse receive as a victim – sometimes our own pains and hurts are abuses we have facilitated, encouraged or accepted so who was our abuser in the end? The other or the self.

    Every character type has its flaws but none are wholly lost in the mire of evil. It may seem like that to some of us but ultimately we are all who we are, what we are and responsible for our own selves and our higher selves to get through life and all its varied pathways, interactions and ups and downs with tolerance and care of our SELF before all others whether we meet up with a Narcissist or any other type. Lucifer, after all is an Angel with some character defects but he is still an Angel. We are each of us a person with character defects and one of the worst must surely be to prolong abuse by others of our own soul?
    Sorry this is so long and I really don’t want to belittle anyone’s pains, really really.


    • DogDharma says:

      Hello Maggie 🙂

      Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I admit, I debated whether to post it, because I have a lot of readers who have experienced the type of abuse described in the author’s article. At a particular stage of healing, the ideas you paint so colorfully could be a bit painful and confusing to read. This may be a long reply, so make yourself comfortable! 🙂

      First of all, I’m not going to put victim in quotes, because the victimization it real. What the author of the original article is talking about in using terms like narcissism and narcissistic and Narcissistic Personality Disorder is what some call sociopaths and what I prefer to call psychopaths. I don’t quibble about the labels — there may be differences, but the net result of the dynamic, in my view, is so similar, that picking one label over another is confusing, so I say “pick your favorite label” — you’ll know someone of that ilk, eventually, when you tango with them.

      The question of personal responsibility on the part of the victim seems to be your main point, no? If I’ve misread, then let me know! The type of person I’m talking about, and the type the original author is talking about (if I may speak for her) is more akin to the likes of Ted Bundy or Adolf Hitler. There are shades of gray and gradations, and so I don’t mean they are all serial killers or architects of genocide, but their motives and actions are similar, depending on the shade of gray. So, I don’t think anyone would ask a person slaughtered by Bundy what she did to accept or participate in what happened to her. It’s rather the same sort of thing here.

      The problem one faces when one encounters a person dark enough on the continuum that the person would be classed as a psychopath is that the lies and deception are carried out so adroitly that the victim doesn’t know lies are being told. The psychopath will paint one picture of themselves, when the reality turns out to be exactly opposite. The problem then becomes that the victim doesn’t know he is being lied to until it is too late. It’s a matter of purposeful deception carried out expertly. In my own case, I suspected that my wife was lying to me about many things (which I later found out she was!), but I had no verifiable proof for ages. To take the most glaring example of what I call the “Big Lie,” she told me she owned her home shortly after I met her. It was some 19 months and more that I found out the actual truth. We’d already been married for 7 months when she came to visit me in February 2011, promising to bring me the deed to her house so I could apply for my spousal visa — and even then it was a farce, because she said the deed had “fallen out of her burst open suitcase on the way to the airport.” There were MANY lies in addition to that one, and that one wasn’t just ONE lie; it was a series of lies handed out over an extended period of time. If I hold any culpability, it was continuing to have faith that she loved me and could and would do better after the lie was exposed. But I let it go past, with great trepidation to be sure, and carried on. I did not understand that there are people who set out to deceive so purposefully and cruelly.

      So where we part in thinking (and experience?) is “The Narcissist lies, the victim accepts the lie.” There was no lie to “accept” because I didn’t know I was being lied to, up until I found out the truth about my wife owning her home. That’s the way it generally unfolds. It’s a two-pronged approach on the part of the psychopath. Like a predator studies prey, they suss you our for your deepest dreams and wants, and they then mimic those dreams and tell you that they are your “soul mate.” So the victim is ensnared in an illusion of which they are unaware. Meanwhile, they are being fed lies they cannot detect because they are expertly cloaked in deception and sleight of hand. By the time the victim get proof positive of the lies, they are already so mired and invested in what they’d dreamed of all their lives, that they are muddled and confused as to which is the Reality. Is this the woman who said she loved me so much she’d die for me, or am I dealing with someone who cares so little for me she would deceive me to this extent?

      It takes a good long while to extract oneself from the deception. All sorts of mind-games and manipulations are used by the psychopath to perpetuate the deception, and it’s hard to let go of a cherished dream. But that IS the task.

      To be sure, to heal completely, a victim must at some point assess what made himself vulnerable, to accept responsibility for those bits for which one was truly responsible, and to endeavor to learn and make change. Again, though, this depends on the exact type of victimization. Bundy’s victims didn’t ask to be murdered, and there are victims who’ve met up with the darker shades of gray that have “consented” little if at all to what was done to them. For me, it was trusting too much, wanting a family, wanting to be loved for who I am, and the cherished ideals of marriage. For that dream, I shut down my internal guidance system after the deception was made clear and carried on despite the abuse. I won’t do that again. At least I hope not, and I hope the lesson was learned. That is part of why I write about it — both to reinforce what I’ve learned, and to help other victims in similar situations.

      This one statement I will quibble with as well, “…sometimes our own pains and hurts are abuses we have facilitated, encouraged or accepted so who was our abuser in the end? The other or the self.” In my case, I became who I am because I was a victim in my childhood. In no way did I facilitate, encourage, or accept the sexual abuse that was perpetrated against me as a 6 year old little girl by my mother’s boyfriend after my father’s death as my mother sat and watched. I simply had no means of escape. Nor did I accept the bullying I received because of my thick glasses and poor eyesight as I grew up. I fought back as much as I could, but it happened anyway.

      I was in a parallel circumstance with my wife after I’d made the mistake of going ahead and moving to the UK. (And moving despite the lies and deception was on me and my responsibility, but to be fair, I was still confused, still being lied to, and had no way of really predicting what was to come.) As a person with a disability, in a foreign country, no friends or family to turn to for help — once the physical abuse started and the emotional abuse became extreme, I had no means of escape. I tried every opening and none could be found. My savings were depleted, and I could no longer afford endless trips to B&Bs. Ultimately, I took my overdose to escape.

      The difficulty I’ve learned from hard experience is that conceptualizing the world, Reality, our own flaws and foibles in “words” and “theories” and philosophical ideals (and those of other people) often clashes with what is concrete. I’d read about people like Ted Bundy, but I couldn’t conceive that people like him really existed. My wife was no Ted Bundy, but she was definitely toward the dark end of the spectrum. When faced with harsh reality as opposed to ideas and thoughts, we have to deal with fists and lack of money, and not “love, marriage, truth” and abstract concepts.

      To understand the depth of deception these people can perpetrate, I recommend this documentary:

      And if you watch the documentary, I recommend this blog, written by an American victim of the same man:

      I go to such lengths in trying my best to describe this, because an early part of the healing journey for a victim is exactly feeling, “It was all my fault. I should have done XYZ, and i shouldn’t have done ABC. I deserved what I got.” And that’s what the psychopath wants the victim to believe and the notion that the psychopath fosters in REFUSING to accept their OWN blame and responsibility. You will never see a psychopath accepting responsibility or doing soul-searching. Victims will do that endlessly until they get clarity, and it is a painful process. If I had to make a choice, I’d rather be a gentle soul who believes in love and marriage and truth and sometimes get taken as a mug than be a deceitful lying scumbag who hurts people on purpose. But in truth, I don’t want to play that game any more, and so I want to find a middle-ground, and keep my soft underbelly while protecting myself from “not nice” people.

      My 2 quid. 🙂


  2. The real me says:

    I don’t think once deeply hurt, by whom ever how ever, that it is so easy to walk away without a second thought.
    People have different levels of ability to cope with bad experiences and everyone deals with hurt differently.
    Narcissists do not nead a reason to cause hurt and upset they do it for no reason and for their own pleasure.
    There isn’t always a blame on both parties involved. For example if a narc has an unhealthy obsession with my husband and for this reason only continues to attack me then I don’t see what I could possibly have done to prevent this.
    I believe anyone who finds themselves a victim should take as long as they like and do what ever they feel best so ling as they are heading in the right direction for eventually moving on and recovering from their bad experiences.

    Liked by 1 person

    • DogDharma says:

      real me, that is part of the point I was trying to make. I won’t put it in quotes, but being a victim is not one-size-fits-all. Sadly, people do do cruel things. In some cases, a victim has few if any choices. As I said, children don’t have a choice when they are molested. Rape victims don’t ask to be raped. Someone who returns to an abusive marriage *may* have a choice and may be acquiescing to some extent, but they may also lack alternative housing or funds to support dependent children. I, personally, think it is a treacherous path to judge the victim when the perpetrator is doing the more egregious harm. You can’t make a woman who is pursuing your husband under the guise of a friendship stop, unless you bonk her over the head with a concrete block, but then you’d have your own “concussion” to deal with.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. The real me says:

    Lol how tempting that concrete block can be though 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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