I was going through boxes of old photos and mementos again today. I found this letter from my mom, typed on a “Thinking of You” card after I transitioned from female to male. Now she did make a lot of bad decisions and hurt me a lot, but in the end, she did accept my transitioning, and used the right name and pronouns, and I’ve discovered some things today.
Through many scraps and sheaths of papers, I found a 3-page typed letter, legal-size, that my mother had written to me 12 years earlier, after I had explicitly come out to her as lesbian. A sincere and genuine apology hidden in plain sight, amidst other misunderstandings and her own limited conception of what it meant to be gay:
And I shuffled through the fading mementos and pulled out the following 2nd grade handwriting assignment I’d been given just before Thanksgiving while I was still at the Arkansas School for the Blind. I don’t know why it scanned as purple, since the paper is yellow. I could only scan letter-sized portions of the pages:
I am mindful that I’m coming up on the 3rd anniversary of my serious suicide attempt in the UK, and also mindful of the fact that I will have been without my mother for 3 years come February. Some people never apologize for the wrongs they do. To my mom, I’m sorry I didn’t see the forest for the trees, and I’m sorry I didn’t perceive the apology with its flaws and caveats, and I apologize in turn for my own blindness. I know you are looking down on me from Heaven, and I hope you know I love you.
It would seem I had, and have, a lot to be thankful for, more than I knew. So….
As Thanksgiving approaches in the United States, I hope you recall the true meaning of the holiday, and take time to really see what you too have to be thankful for!
Bonus picture from one of my “memories” boxes:
If there are any FTM or transmasculine-identified folks out there who have stumbled across my blog, are on Facebook, and if you have been a victim of domestic violence, rape, or abuse, and if you are seeking support from survivors who’ve been there, please go to my “About” link and shoot me an email. I’ll tell you how to find a supportive resource. For starters, you can go to the Trans-Masculine Abuse Project page, but we have a secret group where you can seek peer support and be assured that your privacy is respected.
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