One of the songs that I’ve always loved, the line “you make it hurt so good” very prescient…
The first song I ever posted to Facebook for Paula…
Paula introduced me to British boy band Westlife, and this was their first song she shared with me. After my 2009 visit to the UK, on the flight home, I listened to it on infinite repeat on my iPod. “A thousand miles between us… the time we spend apart will make our love grow stronger…”:
I don’t remember which of us shared this one first, but it seemed to fit in the heady days of romance. “Thank you for being my eyes when I couldn’t see…” When Paula quickly photographed the chipmunk wandering the paths at the National Zoo, I thought I’d found someone who understood and accepted the limitations of my eye condition:
Another Westlife favorite… “You raised me up to more than I can be…” I somehow sensed we’d either be very good for each other or very bad for each other. I was hoping for the former, but got the latter. How sad that Paula gifted me with a CD of Westlife hits, but that CD was one of the sweetest gifts she stole from me..
This was a no-brainer, but I played it for Paula, and it came from the heart…
I happened to post this song to Facebook for Paula. “She gives me love, love, love, love, crazy love…” Things had already gotten chaotic, but I adored the song, and posting it was my way of saying “I love you no matter what” — Paula was upset, and I think it was the word “crazy” she objected to:
In the midst of the Big Lie, Paula sang this song for me sitting on the sofa in my living room. Paula had the most beautiful voice I’d ever heard, and I’d beg her to sing for me. I said to her something along the lines of, “I fell in love with you because of the way you sing to me.” Yet seldom would she sing for me. But in the midst of the Big Lie, she chose to sing this song for me, “There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do to make you feel my love…” Adele’s version:
Still laboring under the Big Lie, I found the following song. I cannot carry a tune, and I’d NEVER sung aloud for anyone. Dreaming of our future together, the family we’d make with her kids, I went out on a limb and recorded myself singing this song for Paula. I’ve already posted my sorry version; here’s a version by Collin Raye:
Once the Big Lie came out and met the light of day, a decision had to be made, whether or not to go forward with getting my visa and moving to the UK to have a proper marriage. A bumpy road for sure. Little did I know that the Big Lie was just the tiniest tip of the ice berg. Cherishing our vows, I put my doubts aside, and gave this song to Paula, my promise to her. “I’ll find my way back to you, if you’ll be waiting..”
Troubled times, yet for me, the sun and the moon rose in Paula’s eyes.
Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that’s alright
Welcome to my silly life
Paula was perfect to me, and I told her so. “Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel like you’re less than fucking perfect”…
For me at least, among our best times together was watching X-Factor. Paula particularly liked Little Mix, who originally auditioned as Rhythmix. I ordered her the first single they released, but I don’t know if it was ever received due to currency exchange problems. This was the performance of Little Mix at the judges’ house in Greece:
In amongst the love, the pain, the hurt, the betrayal, there were some good laughs. I roared when Paula shared a version of this song with me. Americans will recognize the tune as an upbeat version of the scorned and unacceptable but still stirring song, I Wish I Was in Dixie. For Brits, it’s a rugby fight song.
Toward the end, as life spiraled into chaos, I was still encouraging Paula to apply to audition for X-Factor. I was convinced she could reach her greatest dreams if she managed to get on the stage.
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Trying to pick audition songs, Paula recorded herself singing this, and I posted it to my YouTube channel”
Another contender for an audition for X-Factor was, now ironically a song I would like to sing:
Now I play this song, cause baby, when it comes to lying, you’re the best:
When you have the misfortune of loving a psychopath, smoke gets in your eyes…
Nearly everything Paula told me was a lie. Her entire past was fabricated. Her promises were fake. It’s an odd feeling to know that you loved a ghost, an empty husk of a person who would hurt anyone for her own gain. There will be a post coming in the next week or so that will, from my perspective, expose the deepest betrayal she wreaked on me. Stay tuned.
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