I ain’t gonna lie, I’ve had a weird life, a hard life. It’s been both a blessing and a curse. A contradiction, a paradox, a freedom march, a tragedy, a comedy, a grand adventure. The subheading of my blog is “Mysteries explored, hope for healing, sharing the journey.” I mean every single one of those words. My writing IS my healing. I’m not at the end of the journey, have no final answers, and you are witnessing my journey from the passenger’s seat — as it unfolds in real time. Which is why it may be a bit confusing at times. Ephemeral, wispy, shifting, not-yet-settled.
I wish I had been born a biological man with all the “right” equipment. I wish I had had normal eyesight. My most cherished and quietly personal dream was to be a loyal and loving husband. I talk a lot about my beloved daddy who died when I was 5 years old. This ranks as one of my all-time favorite songs:
My father was a musician. I have about zero talent where music is concerned, but it burns in me and informs me. It’s my passion. But just ask my friend, L — I can’t sing!! Yet…
My life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man
I’m just a living legacy of the leader of the band
I would have wished to take what I learned sitting at my daddy’s feet in the few short years that I had him, the source of all goodness in me, and pass it down as a father to my own children, a “gentle means of sculpting souls.” But I was not blessed with a family.
Still, if I’d been born a biological man, given the time and place of my birth, and the circumstances of my family after my dad’s death, I’d probably be a redneck yahoo, and a Republican. Ha, L! 🙂 Instead, I’ve taken that road less traveled, and figuring our who I am and becoming who I am has been my life’s journey. It could never have been any other way, and so I’m grateful for the heartache and the troubled waters, and I’m sorry, really sorry, for my mistakes along the way.
I was feeling quite blue this morning, and only by coincidence, L emailed me the graphic with which I started this post, “Read this and thought of you.” I’ve been disappointed and hurt by many people who have passed in and out of my life. (I’ve also been granted a few angels. See In Memoriam — Dova Walker Dunham.) My biggest disappointment was my wife, who turned out to be no wife at all, and has made a farce and a mockery of the wedding vows we took.
Psalm 23 says, “I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.” Thank you, L, for guiding me through today’s valley or darkness. I have more to be grateful for than I often realize.
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