One of the things about dealing with a psychopath is you are swimming in their endless lies and distortions. You are told so many lies, you begin to lose track. But then you go back over everything that happened, and suddenly you see things you missed in the fog.
That’s why I forgot about the second “other woman,” and mentioned it in a previous post.
Here’s the first “other woman”:
Here’s the second “other woman” that had slipped from memory:
And here’s Claire:
I guess I get honorary mention as the “other man” on Lotfi’s behalf, even though Paula and I are still legally married:
So I was thinking back to May of 2010, two months before Paula and I were married. And how I’d stumbled across a profile Paula had posted on a dating website. I’d found many other such profiles, but they seemed to be out-of–date. Of course, I hadn’t yet put 2 + 2 together, and realized that those old profiles were in place while she was still married to Lotfi because I’d given my wife unearned trust and wasn’t noticing timelines and dates.
But this profile on Smooch.com was brand new, and placed just 2 months before we were to be married. I could tell it was current, because in the profile picture, she was sitting in front of new curtains I’d watched her open and hang on Skype.
Oh, Paula swore up and down that she didn’t put it up!! She said that she’d get to the bottom of it. And she came back telling me that her friend, Nikki had put up the profile. The story I got was that Nikki suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, and so she wanted to “catch him.” Paula had Nikki come onto Skype and vouch for her story. Yes, Nikki said, “I put up the profile.”
This made ZERO sense to me. Nikki and her boyfriend lived in Bournemouth, while Paula lived in Shoreham-by-Sea. Why would Nikki’s boyfriend go looking for someone in Shoreham? And if Nikki was trying to “catch” her boyfriend, why would she use the name, picture, and details of her “best friend”? I mean, would he have been so stupid as to hit on Nikki’s “best friend”? But of course, my further doubts were explained away by Paula and Nikki telling me that Nikki’s boyfriend didn’t know Paula. How could it be that Nikki’s boyfriend didn’t even know Nikki’s “best friend”? Still made no sense, but that was the story line I was given.
Well, what was i to do? Paula claimed she hadn’t put up the dating profile, and Nikki backed up her story. With so many other lies and things that didn’t add up and utter confusion, I put it to the side.
But here’s where you go back over all the chaos and deception and put together pieces that didn’t quite fit before. It happens once you establish no contact and begin to see clearly again. Now when Paula came to the United States two months later, leaving her children in Nikki’s care, something unexpected happened in the middle of our “happy” time together. I received an unexpected note on Facebook:
Well, as you can see, the note was from one Mike Craig, Nikki’s boyfriend, complaining about various things Paula’s children had done. He says he wrote to me because Paula had blocked him on Facebook. First of all, right here is your proof that both Nikki and Paula were lying about the dating profile on Smooch.com. But it goes a little deeper than that, doesn’t it, and in several ways?
First of all, Mike’s opinion of Paula is quite clear. He paints her as she is. But also notice the horrid, inexcusable, spiteful transphobic remarks and insults he intersperses with his diatribe. This is really deserving of its own post, which will no doubt be forthcoming. But Paula and I had discussed whether to disclose that I was transgendered. For my part, I wasn’t too concerned that people might know or find out. I’ve always been open, and most of my family, friends, and neighbors are aware. On the other hand, I would be moving to a new place where no one knew my past, and so eager to have that longed-for family, I thought it would be nice if everyone saw us as an ordinary couple, without this complication. I could have gone either way. But Paula herself expressed a preference that we would keep it to ourselves unless and until we reached an agreement otherwise as circumstances dictated. And so that was the promise we made to each other. That neither of us would tell anyone in her world that I was transgendered.
So when I received this email, I wasn’t thinking about the dating profile, and how Mike obviously knew Paula. I was thinking, “How does he know I’m transgendered?” Doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Paula had told Nikki without informing me, and Nikki had told Mike. Yet another layer of betrayal and broken trust… Later, I would find out that she had told other people as well. Thank goodness I was “out” to everyone I cared about and everyone who loved me, or I probably would have been blackmailed.
The more you sift through the piles of muck, the stinkier it gets. I am proud to be transgendered. It is not something I chose or asked for, but on that score, I have lived a courageous and honorable life. But I am ashamed that I married a woman named Paula Simmons Khier Vanzetti who took my pure and innocent love, duped me, and turned it against me.