Once a Cheater…. Part 2

One of the things about dealing with a psychopath is you are swimming in their endless lies and distortions.  You are told so many lies, you begin to lose track.  But then you go back over everything that happened, and suddenly you see things you missed in the fog.

That’s why I forgot about the second “other woman,” and mentioned it in a previous post.

Here’s the first “other woman”:


Here’s the second “other woman” that had slipped from memory:

Paula and Jess - 3

And here’s Claire:

Paula and Claire

I guess I get honorary mention as the “other man” on Lotfi’s behalf, even though Paula and I are still legally married:

Wedding - 03

So I was thinking back to May of 2010, two months before Paula and I were married.  And how I’d stumbled across a profile Paula had posted on a dating website.  I’d found many other such profiles, but they seemed to be out-of–date.  Of course, I hadn’t yet put 2 + 2 together, and realized that those old profiles were in place while she was still married to Lotfi because I’d given my wife unearned trust and wasn’t noticing timelines and dates.

But this profile on Smooch.com was brand new, and placed just 2 months before we were to be married.  I could tell it was current, because in the profile picture, she was sitting in front of new curtains I’d watched her open and hang on Skype.


Oh, Paula swore up and down that she didn’t put it up!!  She said that she’d get to the bottom of it.  And she came back telling me that her friend, Nikki had put up the profile.  The story I got was that Nikki suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, and so she wanted to “catch him.”  Paula had Nikki come onto Skype and vouch for her story.  Yes, Nikki said, “I put up the profile.”

This made ZERO sense to me.  Nikki and her boyfriend lived in Bournemouth, while Paula lived in Shoreham-by-Sea.  Why would Nikki’s boyfriend go looking for someone in Shoreham?  And if Nikki was trying to “catch” her boyfriend, why would she use the name, picture, and details of her “best friend”?  I mean, would he have been so stupid as to hit on Nikki’s “best friend”?  But of course, my further doubts were explained away by Paula and Nikki telling me that Nikki’s boyfriend didn’t know Paula.  How could it be that Nikki’s boyfriend didn’t even know Nikki’s “best friend”?  Still made no sense, but that was the story line I was given.

Well, what was i to do?  Paula claimed she hadn’t put up the dating profile, and Nikki backed up her story.  With so many other lies and things that didn’t add up and utter confusion, I put it to the side.

But here’s where you go back over all the chaos and deception and put together pieces that didn’t quite fit before.  It happens once you establish no contact and begin to see clearly again.  Now when Paula came to the United States two months later, leaving her children in Nikki’s care, something unexpected happened in the middle of our “happy” time together.  I received an unexpected note on Facebook:

Mike Craig

Well, as you can see, the note was from one Mike Craig, Nikki’s boyfriend, complaining about various things Paula’s children had done.  He says he wrote to me because Paula had blocked him on Facebook.  First of all, right here is your proof that both Nikki and Paula were lying about the dating profile on Smooch.com.  But it goes a little deeper than that, doesn’t it, and in several ways?

First of all, Mike’s opinion of Paula is quite clear.  He paints her as she is.  But also notice the horrid, inexcusable, spiteful transphobic remarks and insults he intersperses with his diatribe.  This is really deserving of its own post, which will no doubt be forthcoming.  But Paula and I had discussed whether to disclose that I was transgendered.  For my part, I wasn’t too concerned that people might know or find out.  I’ve always been open, and most of my family, friends, and neighbors are aware.  On the other hand, I would be moving to a new place where no one knew my past, and so eager to have that longed-for family, I thought it would be nice if everyone saw us as an ordinary couple, without this complication.  I could have gone either way.  But Paula herself expressed a preference that we would keep it to ourselves unless and until we reached an agreement otherwise as circumstances dictated.  And so that was the promise we made to each other.  That neither of us would tell anyone in her world that I was transgendered.

So when I received this email, I wasn’t thinking about the dating profile, and how Mike obviously knew Paula.  I was thinking, “How does he know I’m transgendered?”  Doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Paula had told Nikki without informing me, and Nikki had told Mike.  Yet another layer of betrayal and broken trust…  Later, I would find out that she had told other people as well.  Thank goodness I was “out” to everyone I cared about and everyone who loved me, or I probably would have been blackmailed.

The more you sift through the piles of muck, the stinkier it gets.  I am proud to be transgendered.  It is not something I chose or asked for, but on that score, I have lived a courageous and honorable life.  But I am ashamed that I married a woman named Paula Simmons Khier Vanzetti who took my pure and innocent love, duped me, and turned it against me.

(For more details, see Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? and An Open Letter to Nikki.)

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Dog Dharma is written by a human who loves dogs and who believes dogs have attained enlightenment. The human behind Dog Dharma came from humble origins, has faced many trials, enjoyed many adventures, and taken a path less traveled. He claims no special privilege or expertise, and remains humble. Dog Dharma‘s author has learned a few things along the way, and has much yet to learn. He has been told by many people that he has a talent for writing, and aspires to write a book, but is a little too lazy and disorganized, so his blog will suffice for now. He opens a window into his life in the hope that some of his words may be of comfort, some may be a beacon or warning, and perhaps he will connect with like-minded souls. Everything shared comes from a place of openness and honesty, but with no claim that he possesses the Truth. People and places mentioned should be taken as pseudonyms. In many cases, details may be an amalgamation of actual events disguised to protect the “innocent.” Nothing written is to be taken as actual fact, but as the author of Dharma Dog‘s limited understanding. From the mouths of the Beatles: In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make
This entry was posted in cheater, cheating, Claire Marshall, FTM, infidelity, Lotfi, Mike Craig, Nikki Sevo, Nikki Stevens, Paula Khier, Paula Simmons, Paula Vanzetti, psychopath, psychopathy, transgender, transgendered and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Once a Cheater…. Part 2

  1. Oh my god! this shit just gets stinkier. DD, are you going to write a book? You are so good at writing all of this in a calm and rational way, it must be very painful to dredge it all up again but we are here, reading your story, and we care. You will raise awareness. Perhaps one day when Paula gets admitted, all this will come out.

    Good detective work tho 😉


    Liked by 1 person

  2. DogDharma says:

    tj, thank you, and an interesting question, or questions. The answer itself deserves its own post. 😉 I couldn’t even count the number of people over the years who have told me that I write well and that I should “write a book.” When I was a systems engineer, I got paid quite a bit of money for my writing, but it was technical in nature and I’m about emotion and creativity. I used to get in trouble for using Comic Sans font in my technical documents and including cartoons to make them more fun and interesting! But while being able to write, I never had any good ideas that would stretch beyond a short story. So I’d tell the kind people who complimented me that if they’d give me the plot, I’d write the book. 🙂 I’m also a little undisciplined. Now I realize that I don’t need “ideas” — my own life has just far enough off the beaten path that I could write reams, and I think people would be interested. Still a little undisciplined, though, and so I find blogging to be a great and lazy way to tell my story and my truth.

    It fascinates me that you describe my writing as “calm and rational.” I am so full of emotion when I write this stuff, remembering every detail. Any single post could be full of heartbroken tears, righteous indignation, or seething anger. I never realized now hard “real” writing is. You literally have to reach inside and take hold of your own beating heart. But I’ve tried to keep it “calm and rational” because it’s the facts and the TRUTH that I’m trying to share.

    Paula ain’t never going to get “admitted” — she’s adept at pulling the wool over people’s eyes. Her own words, “Let me work my magic.” She’s got a pack of minions who cover for her, like Nikki. And she’s surrounded by enablers who won’t challenge her, and let her get away with what she does because it would expose their own secrets. Maybe one day one of them will grow a spine.

    See, you darn near lured me into writing a post anyway. 😉

    Thanks for continuing to read and comment.


  3. Awww it’s exhausting in every way, I know. But you are writing a valuable document, just as valuable as those technical documents. I can see that somehow deep down it’s doing you good – perhaps ‘enjoying’ it would be a stretch too far, but it’s important work you’re doing and I’m glad to see so many new posts, which I can’t wait to read! best!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: I’m not the only one… | Dog Dharma's Blog

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