The discard is the final stage in your relationship with a psychopath — after that, you get to heal. In my case, the discard was rather lengthy. My dog was killed on May 26, 2012. I was in a B&B in Lancing, West Sussex, after one of Paula’s rage “episodes.” Sitting on the bed with my mobile phone to my ear, Paula’s exact words were, “Your dog has been destroyed.” A mortal blow to the soul — I was on the next plane back to the United States.
Since I’d sold my home and everything in it to move to the UK to be with Paula, my first task was to secure new housing and furniture — and toenail clippers, and scissors, and towels, and every other little thing we take for granted. This was a huge ordeal for someone who is vision impaired, and can’t just hop in a car to visit yard sales and thrift shops or department stores. I bought my new home in June of 2012.
Paula couldn’t make up her mind if she was done with me or not. And I was so broken-hearted and crushed with cognitive dissonance that I still wanted to salvage our marriage. Yes, even despite what she’d done to my dog. I was also trying to make sense of what happened and all the lies I’d been told. I began corresponding via email with one of Paula’s relatives, Gladys (pseudonym). We both had questions for each other. Gladys wanted to know about the smear campaign Paula had blitzed against her, and I wanted to find out exactly how many things I’d been lied to about. Some of the things Gladys told me that Paula had done in the past were ghastly, but those are another story for another day.
While we were corresponding, Gladys warned me that Paula had started seeing another woman, information that had been relayed through Paula’s mother. So I forwarded Gladys’s email with this revelation to Paula and asked,”Is this true?” We were still married, and I’ll admit the news stung. I was still clinging to hope that we could reconcile and have that blissful life I’d envisioned when we took our vows.
Paula shot back an immediate response: “No, Gladys is lying!” Paula accused anybody and everybody of lying except herself — projection. A handful of minutes pass, and then I get a text message from Paula saying, “I lied, I AM seeing someone and she’s a better f*ck than you” — with the following photo attached:
Well, apparently Paula couldn’t hold onto this woman, and she was soon love-bombing me again. She begged me to “just get on a plane” and come back to the UK. After the death of my dog, the endless lies, and physical abuse, I was frightened, but I still didn’t want to give up hope in our marriage. So I went back to the UK for a visit in January 2013. You can read about it here.
And this is a photo of us on that last visit:
As in many of her photographs, to me, it nearly screams, “Look at clever me, I’ve got my victim wrapped around my finger!” Paula had finally gotten around to changing her surname to mine on her passport. She thought she had won me over, but the ordeal with the sofa (again, here) had only increased my fears. Yet still, I was loathe to give up on our marriage. She kept saying, “Just get on a plane and come home.”
Well, to even think of returning, I now had another home and brand new furniture to deal with. Would I give everything up a second time for someone who’d done me so wrong? There would be arrangements to be made and no one to help me. I couldn’t muster the emotional strength to take action, and so I told Paula that if she wanted our marriage, she’d have to come to me in the US to help me make preparations. I had thought that the January visit would give me all the answers I needed — and it truly did — but I was willing to give it all one more chance if she would come to me and I could see how we got along on my own turf.
Paula agreed to come, and I went so far as to buy her a £1,300 airline ticket and sent her £200 for taxi fare to Heathrow, and she got her ESTA clearance to enter the US. This was April of 2013. Below is her e-ticket.
Well, Paula didn’t come. She created an argument, and the money was wasted. I asked her to return the money for taxi fare I’d sent, but she refused. I would have asked her to return to me my little dog’s leash and the afghan my mother had crocheted for me with the money, but I knew that was a hopeless cause. She’d selectively kept most of dearest mementos and refused to return them to me.
Over the ensuing weeks, Paula would disappear, me unable to reach her via email, text, Skype, mobile phone, house phone, or any other way. Then she’d reappear with some cockamamie excuse. I felt jerked around like a yo-yo. After one disappearance, we had a brief exchange where she told me she was in the hospital for a suspected brain tumor and was having an MRI done. Being in the hospital was her favorite excuse because she could claim to be unreachable — no mobile phones allowed. She didn’t realize it, but I could see her online playing Facebook games, so I knew she was lying. When she reappeared, I asked her what the result of the MRI was. Paula told me the tumor was “benign,” no treatment necessary, and it was never mentioned again!
You can see how macabre all this is if you go back and read The True Story of DogDharma. Paula had told me that my dog had a brain tumor, diagnosed with an MRI by the veterinarian when I was visiting a friend in the States. When I returned and saw the veterinarian, I found out that the tumor was a lie.
You can well imagine I was dubious when, in June or July of 2013, Paula informed me that her mother had terminal pancreatic cancer. I kept my doubts to myself. But Paula used the occasion to scam more money out of me. She said she’d spent her “last penny” on caring for her parents, and had no money for gas, food, or electric for herself and the children. For the umpteenth time, I dug into my pockets and sent her a large amount of money by Western Union. I was reluctant to send the money, but she called me and hounded me repeatedly. I had no way of knowing if her mother was really ill, but I did know her parents had a comfortable income, and there would have been no need for her to be spending any money on them. But on the 1% chance she was telling the truth, I sent the funds. You can hear her repeatedly calling me here, a YouTube video I put together of her pleading phone calls. I think this will embed the video for you:
After I sent this one last round of money, Paula “disappeared” again. It was then that it finally sunk into me what she was, how she’d taken advantage of my love and kindness, and used and abused me. I cut her off and went no contact. The last I’d heard from her was a brief email letting me know her mother had died and a second brief email giving me the date of the funeral in August 2013. I wouldn’t find out until October or November that her mom truly had passed away, from an online obituary. So she’d managed to tell the truth about one thing….
By January of this year (2014), I knew Paula’s birthday was coming soon. I’d had zero contact with her since that summer. I began to wonder if her mother’s death had changed her, made her see her own wrongs in a new light, and I felt genuinely bad about not believing her mom was ill. Maybe the passage of time had caused her to value our marriage and the faithful love I’d given her, and my sacrifices on her behalf. So, I ordered a bunch of birthday gifts for her — flannel pajamas, colorful socks, heart-shaped marmite, an electronic piano keyboard, an iPad, and some flowers that had been her nan’s favorite kind. I had sincerely hoped that we might somehow get back together… Or at least part on more friendly terms. And I wanted her to know that I was thinking of her as her birthday approached
I didn’t hear anything back from her, and so after a few days, I sent her a brief email to ask if she’d received the gifts. She sent me a very kind response, but told me she was with someone new and had been for 10 months. She wanted a divorce. Hmmmm…… I couldn’t help but look at the calendar and realize that when she’d been begging me to return to the UK, scamming money out of me, promising to come to the US to help me make arrangements to move back over to the UK, and with me wasting the airline ticket on her, she was also busy seeing this other woman!!!
Now I knew my open heart had once again been misplaced. I was curious what she would do next. Did some research on Facebook, uncovered the other woman’s identity, and saw that they had indeed been in a relationship that prior spring while she was leading me on.
Paula wanted to talk about the divorce on Skype (type to each other, no video, she wouldn’t show her face). I would have been more than willing to give her a divorce at that point, if she’d only stuck to her story…. We picked several times to meet on Skype, but she wouldn’t show up for the discussion at the planned time. And each time she did show up, she said she couldn’t talk because the kids were under foot.
But quite quickly, she didn’t want to talk about the divorce any more. She had told me that the other woman’s name was Cassie, but I’d already found out it was Claire. She’d told me that “Cassie” lived 1/2 hour from her house, but I’d seen that Claire lived in Cranbrook, which according to Google Maps is a 200 mile drive from Shoreham-by-Sea.
Then she “disappeared” for a couple of days, and came back telling me she’d been in the hospital with pneumonia … but as always with her hospital excuses, I could see that she’d been playing Facebook games. Paula said she’d told “Cassie” we were communicating, and then she said that “Cassie” had broken up with her while she was in the hospital. I checked Facebook, and could clearly see the relationship was intact. But then, she even switched that story, and told me she’d broken up with “Cassie” because she “loved me.”
As I could have predicted, she began asking for money. Paula’s story was that she was being sent to prison for not paying her council house rent. She wanted me to send her more money!!!!
Here is one Skype conversation:
[2/6/14, 12:10:13 PM] paula simmons: Are u here
[2/6/14, 12:11:05 PM] Terry: i am just here
[2/6/14, 12:11:11 PM] paula simmons: I have been released but have to appear again tomorrow
[2/6/14, 12:11:47 PM] Terry: what has happened? not yet fully awake, woke to ghi banging at door to fix pipes that had frozen
[2/6/14, 12:11:50 PM] paula simmons: Some hope that we may be able to sort this between us I am drivong so replies be slow
[2/6/14, 12:12:27 PM] paula simmons: U here?
[2/6/14, 12:12:46 PM] Terry: go on
[2/6/14, 12:12:47 PM] paula simmons: Have u read what I put
[2/6/14, 12:13:16 PM] Terry: please explain? i thought it was tomorrow?
[2/6/14, 12:13:24 PM] paula simmons: I have 360 pounds to pay towards this
[2/6/14, 12:13:37 PM] paula simmons: So did I they came for me day early
[2/6/14, 12:14:02 PM] Terry: but the bail was till tomorrow, i don’t understand?
[2/6/14, 12:14:42 PM] paula simmons: They had space so came early
[2/6/14, 12:14:51 PM] Terry: they don’t go changing bail here
[2/6/14, 12:14:51 PM] paula simmons: I have to aopear again tomorrow
[2/6/14, 12:15:06 PM] Terry: so you went to court today?
[2/6/14, 12:15:55 PM] paula simmons: Yes just leaving
[2/6/14, 12:16:45 PM] Terry: i don’t remotely understand how they can switch things around?
[2/6/14, 12:17:36 PM] paula simmons: They can call me anytime they want way it works here They had space so i got lifted to go
[2/6/14, 12:19:39 PM] paula simmons: I have to find the rest or they will be sending me to prison. As I said I have 360 I need to find 240 to clear it completely
[2/6/14, 12:22:25 PM] Terry: paula this is all rather sudden, i am still trying to understand where we stand and about this Cassie person you said you wanted to divorce me for and move on?
[2/6/14, 12:22:25 PM] paula simmons: Ok
[2/6/14, 12:22:37 PM] paula simmons: Not good driving and texting
[2/6/14, 12:23:11 PM] paula simmons: This is our debt
[2/6/14, 12:23:19 PM] Terry: i wanted to have that talk, find out what you really wanted and what had happened
[2/6/14, 12:23:24 PM] paula simmons: Told u she gone
[2/6/14, 12:23:47 PM] Terry: well, what happened for god sake, when you were asking for a divorce just a few days ago?
[2/6/14, 12:23:58 PM] Terry: why has she not helped you?
[2/6/14, 12:24:20 PM] paula simmons: Its not her debt and no
[2/6/14, 12:24:39 PM] paula simmons: Gonna pull over
[2/6/14, 12:25:00 PM] Terry: it’s her debt if she’s your partner, just as I have always been there through thick and thin
[2/6/14, 12:25:30 PM] paula simmons: No its OUR debt not hers and mine its in YR name and MINE
[2/6/14, 12:25:39 PM] paula simmons: We are no longer
[2/6/14, 12:26:40 PM] paula simmons: We split I told u yesterday
[2/6/14, 12:26:43 PM] Terry: when your mom was ill i sent you money when you said you’d spent everything on caring for her last summer, you came to me, and that wasn’t my debt, and you were with her but you came to me
[2/6/14, 12:27:17 PM] Terry: you had told me you had no money for gas, food, electric, and i came through for you
[2/6/14, 12:27:20 PM] paula simmons: She won’t help………… u knew about this long time back. …….
[2/6/14, 12:27:38 PM] paula simmons: This has been over my head for ages
[2/6/14, 12:27:47 PM] paula simmons: Ages before I even new her
[2/6/14, 12:27:58 PM] Terry: sorry, i knew about what?
[2/6/14, 12:28:11 PM] paula simmons: The court order terry
[2/6/14, 12:28:16 PM] paula simmons: Just don’t worry ok.
[2/6/14, 12:28:37 PM] paula simmons: I have to get home
[2/6/14, 12:28:47 PM] Terry: there is nothing i won’t do and haven’t done, but i want to understand why about this
[2/6/14, 12:29:04 PM] paula simmons: Sorry if I have unconvienced u
[2/6/14, 12:29:24 PM] paula simmons: I told u it all other day
[2/6/14, 12:29:28 PM] Terry: you haven’t inconvenienced me, i am here, short time i have, and have shown how i feel
[2/6/14, 12:29:45 PM] paula simmons: Nothing more to tell except what I have just said
[2/6/14, 12:30:10 PM] paula simmons: Look I love u that’s why I ended cassie
The next day, Paula appeared on Skype again, and claimed to be in the court room, in front of the judge. The judge had asked her to contact me to see if I would make up the difference in the money she owed. (Regardless of what she says, it was her debt. She’d been in arrears on her council house rent and tax from the time I’d met her — except she’d lied and told me she owned her home. Even if it had been my debt, I’d already given her enough money to clear any part that was mine 100 times over. Even the unused taxi fare I’d given her would have resolved it, but that was only one of many times I’d been scammed into sending her money. And even worse than that, I’d begged to see the bill from the council from the day I’d arrived, but Paula had refused to show it to me.)
I told Paula I wasn’t sending her any money until I understood what “Cassie” was about, and why she’d started out wanting a divorce, but then saying she’d left “Cassie” because she loved me. During the course of the (typed) Skype conversation, I accidentally hit the video button, and Paula refused the call. She quickly wrote, “I can’t do video in the courtroom!” Even when the judge is the one who instructed you to contact me?? Oh, yeah, if you put on the video, I’d see you’re nowhere near a courtroom — silly me!!!
So this was the discard … but I discarded her. Finally.
It was creepy to see how Paula had love-bombed Claire. Here is what Paula wrote to me on the night before we were married:
And here is something Paula wrote on my Facebook page two months after we were married:
And this is what Paula wrote on Claire’s Facebook page (even though she and I were and are still married!!):
And this to Claire from Paula:
When they’ve refined their love-bombing techniques, they get lazy and stop being original. The same words and phrases will be used with the next victim, and the next, and the next. Poor Claire!!!
PLEASE NOTE: I am using pseudonyms for people who are innocent and who ought not be hurt by the chaos and havoc created by Paula.