I would like to begin today’s entry to sharing two interesting websites I recently found:
- 180rule.com — Lots of good article about recognizing and dealing with psychopaths.
- PsychopathTracker.com — Doesn’t seem to be up and running yet, but once it is, should be very helpful.
In particular, take a look at these blog entries from the 180rule.com website:
After I returned from my first visit to England to meet Paula, I was left with mixed feelings, very much at odds. The familiar routine of time spent together on Skype continued, me dreaming of an idyllic future with this woman I found so captivating and who had put me on a pedestal, while still carrying a great sense of foreboding. The two versions of reality did not mesh, and so I went with the flow, hoping for more clarity,
A little personal background is necessary here, which will undoubtedly be expanded upon as the tale unfolds. I was an only child, born to parents who were both disabled. My mother had a congenital deformity of her hips, legs, and feet for which she had had several major corrective surgeries at a young age. She was eventually able to walk with some difficulty. I had inherited my father’s eye condition. My mother was 31 years old when I was born, and my father was 43. He passed away suddenly, of a heart attack, when I was 5 years old.
When my daddy died, my world was turned upside down. He was a musician, and a kind and nurturing soul. All of my early and precious memories are of my father. He played with me, devoted time to me, treated me lovingly. In contrast, I have few early memories of my mother, and they are not pleasant memories. She was exactly the opposite — I felt as if I was an “object” to her, not a human being born to her to be raised, cared for, and guided. I existed to meet HER needs.
After my father died, a series of men entered my mother’s life, and hence, mine. The first man (Kelly), I can’t actually recall, but only know of his presence from old photographs. The second man (Earl “Red” Birchett) sexually abused me, in front of my mother, and she did not protect me. The third man was not so bad, but he was self-absorbed and left the scene after cheating on my mother. The last man, who my mother married when I was in high school, was a violent alcoholic who threatened to kill us, having one time cracked me in the face with the handset of a telephone. Much more can be told, but this is the Cliff Notes version.
Because I wore thick glasses due to my eye condition, I was bullied mercilessly. In addition to all I endured, my mother was oblivious to me. I was her resident mother, therapist, and housemaid. She wanted to be the center of everyone’s universe, so she impeded my relationship with members of my extended family — cousins, aunts, and uncles. It took a long while for me to recognize that my mother was abusive and toxic. As an adult, later in life, I realized I had to pull away from her for my own sanity. However, she painted a picture of me to the extended family as self-centered, haughty, and lazy, while she played upon her disability for sympathy. When I began to distance myself from my mother, I received much objection from one cousin in particular who had taken up my mother’s cause.
I would like to strongly emphasize that my cousins and extended family were largely oblivious to what went on behind closed doors. They are not to blame for the choices my mother made, of which they were unaware. I do wish they had taken the time to hear the “other side of the story.” I love my family for all their flaws and dysfunction and tendency to judge. It was very easy to take pity on her for her disability and for having been widowed, but still, they didn’t have an accurate idea of what went on.
Separating myself from my mother was not an easy decision, or one taken lightly. She was aging, and I knew she would not be on this earth indefinitely. But she had already used up all I had to give, and my survival demanded that I heed my own welfare. All of this was culminating upon my return from the UK visit. In an effort to repair the fractures with my cousins, I had started a Yahoo group for us to keep in touch. I had done some genealogical research, and wanted to share with them what I had discovered about our family. Geographically, we were dispersed. Most of my cousins lived in Arkansas. Others lived in Arizona, one in Texas, and one in Ohio. And I lived in Maryland.
It was in this forum and this mix that I was chastised by one of my cousins for not calling or writing to my mother, not keeping in touch with her, or tending to her needs. The public gripe upset me, because my cousins didn’t know what my mother was truly like, or what I had gone through as a child, and was still going through as I tried to keep in touch with my her. They had only heard her version of what I was like, and didn’t bother to find out first-hand. I had opened up to Paula about all of this. Crying copiously to her about the public chastisement I had received on the Yahoo group, Paula came thundering “to the rescue.” No one had ever stood up for me or protected me, so vulnerable, before. Paula asked to be added to the group to give my cousins “a piece of her mind.” I was reluctant, not knowing what conflagration might ensue. But I added Paula and let her have her say in the group. It we were going to be together, then she would be a part of the family… Here is what she wrote:
From: paula khier <bemyhunny@hotmail. com=””>
Subject: [GENTER] HELLO
To: genter@yahoogroups. com
Date: Friday, November 27, 2009, 7:13 PM
TO ALL THE GENTER FAMILY,I EXPECT BY NOW YOU ARE ALL PUZZLING OVER WHO I AM AND WHO THE STRANGER IS WHO HAS BEEN ADDED TO YOUR TIGHT KNIT CIRCLE OF FAMILY.AS YOU CAN SEE MY NAME IS PAULA. MY ONLY CONNECTION TO YOU ALL IS I AM TERRY’S PARTNER. I HAVE BEEN LOOKING IN ON YOUR FAMILY SITUATION FOR SOMETIME NOW AND ITS MAKING ME VERY UNHAPPY TO SEE HOW TERRY IS BECAUSE OF IT ALL.MAYBE YOU WILL SAY” I SHOULD NOT BE INTERFERING” MAYBE I SHOULDNT BE BUT I AM BECAUSE TERRY DOES NOT HAVE THE INNER STRENGTH TO DEAL WITH ANY OF YOU WERE AS I DO.SO HERE I BEGIN.THE SITUATION WITH TERRY AND HIS MOTHER IS NOT ANYONES CONCERN BUT TERRY’S AND HIS MOTHERS AND POSTING UP TO ALL AND SUNDRY WHAT SHOULD OF BEEN A PRIVATE EMAIL BETWEEN YOU SUSIE AND TERRY WAS TOTALLY OUT OF ORDER.TERRY DOES NOT IN ANYWAY NEED OR DESIRE THE COMENTS FROM ANY OF YOU. IN FACT FAMILIES ARE MEANT TO SUPPORT EACH OTHER…..STAND BY EACH OTHER NOT TO PERSECUTE A CHOOSEN FEW AND FROM WHAT I HAVE LEARNED IN MY TIME WITH TERRY HE IS NOT THE FIRST NOR WILL HE BE THE LAST.THE ONE AND ONLY REASON I HAVE STEPPED IN IS BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN ALL THE EMAILS AND SEEN THE EFFECTS THAT YR ” FAMILY SOLIDARITY” HAS HAD ON TERRY.TO PUT IT BLUNTLY, I WILL NOT STAND BY AND WATCH YOU DESTROY TERRY NOR WILL I STAND BY AND WATCH OR LET YOU DEGRADE,DEMEAN OR BELITTLE TERRY ANY FURTHER. A WORD TO THE WISE FOR ALL TO HEAR IS IN THE PAST TERRY HAS NOT HAD ANYONE TO SUPPORT HIM……..BUT HE HAS NOW AND I WONT SIT BY AND LET YOU RIDE ROUGHSHOD OVER HIM ANYMORE!!!!I CAN TELL YOU, THE SUPPORT TERRY HAS LACKED FROM YOUR “FAMILY UNIT” HE WILL GAIN FROM ME, AND I REALLY HOPE THAT IN TIME TERRY WILL FINALLY REGAIN THE STRENGTH AND COURAGE TO STAND UPTO YOU FOR HIMSELF AND I WILL BE BY HIS SIDE NO MATTER WHAT TO SUPPORT HIM THROUGH IT.I HOPE THIS WILL BE THE END OF ALL THE NASTY COMMENTS ( WHICH I SOMEHOW DOUBT) AND THE EMAILS THAT HAVE COME THROUGH TO TERRY.I KNOW I HAVE SAID TOO MUCH BUT NOT AFRAID TO STAND UP FOR WHATS RIGHT AND TO GIVE A WORD TO THE WISE I LOVE TERRY VERY MUCH AND WILL NOT NOW OR NOT EVER STAND BY AND WATCH YOU PERSECUTE HIM ANY FURTHER. I AM WELL AWARE OF TERRY’S PAST AND VERY AWARE OF WHAT HIS FUTURE WILL BRING BEING WITH ME.ONE LAST THING. IF ANY OF YOU WISH TO REPLY TO THIS EMAIL DO NOT TROUBLE TERRY WITH YOUR REPLIS. HE HAS HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH MY DIRECT EMAIL ADDRESSES ARE AS FOLLOWS:-BEMYHUNNY@HOTMAIL. COMPAULASIMMONS204@ BTINTERNET. COMPAULA.
Now, Paula and I had talked in disjointed jags about our future, but it was still undetermined, unspoken, and only hinted at. I had already, from early on, asked about her home ownership, to pave the way for a life together. As i wrote in a previous blog entry, the foremost practical matter was whether we could overcome the divide of the ocean, which would mean me moving to the UK, and had asked her about her home ownership. No point in engaging in a relationship that could never materialize. Once that was cleared up, with Paula telling me she owned her house (much more on this to come), it wasn’t mentioned again, and we proceeded (or *I* proceeded) to “see where things would go.” Paula was already asking me to make another trip to the UK, and we had talked about me coming again after the new year had begun.
However, when Paula plunged into my family dynamics and stirred the pot, she got a lot of nasty backlash. She exchanged some emails with a few of my cousins. To use British terminology, I was gobsmacked when I learned she had told one of my cousins that we were getting married and I was moving to the UK! No such decision had been made nor any explicit proposal offered. I wondered why she told what I saw as a blatant lie to my cousin, and without even consulting me first. In no way was I ready to make a marriage announcement, which would include informing my family (and my mother) that I would be moving oversea. Another huge red flag.
I was so utterly floored that I shrunk from Paula. Came very close to cutting off the relationship at this point. Received some unkind notes on Facebook from her friends who, as became typical, did a hit-and-run attack. That is, they hurled accusations against me in the Facebook notes, and then blocked me. Paula called my phone over and over, pleading with me not to “leave” her. But she also distorted what had occurred, acting as if I had asked her to get involved, and complaining about how she’d been treated by my family. She alternately blamed and apologized. It was all just a big misunderstanding…
But as I tried to separate myself from Paula, the great void of loneliness and my still-ignited dreams rose to the fore. I relented and opened the door to her again. In retrospect, this was all part of the psychopath machinations. They very quickly assess one’s deepest needs and vulnerabilities. Paula knew from the beginning that I had not been protected, and that I longed for close family ties. So Paula had saddled up on her “white horse” to show me that she was the solution to all my problems and came barging into the fray. By reading her post to the Yahoo group, you can see the muti-pronged intention. She was promising that she would be “by my side no matter what” — my protector. She was declaring that she was going to be the “family” I had longed for since my father died. And she was creating chaos in my extended family to distance me from them. All based on knowing my deepest hurts and desires. Then she tested my boundaries by distorting what had occurred and telling untruths. I hadn’t asked her to get involved as she claimed!!! We weren’t getting married — it had not been openly discussed at that point. and we had not even said we were “partners”!!! Sadly, I let her version of reality slide. I thought she was well-intentioned, but had overstepped the bounds. The episode was quietly added to the list of things that didn’t quite make sense, furthering the cognitive dissonance. It had been an opportunity to escape what was to come, but I did not take it. I was already hypnotized by the psychopathic allure.
When you get involved with a psychopath, you come with your innocence. You do not expect the lies, the machinations, and cannot fathom the motivations. In retrospect, as you heal, you learn.